Happyness!

"He awoke each morning with the desire to do right, to be a good and meaningful person, to be, as simple as it sounded and as impossible as it actually was, happy. And during the course of each day his heart would descend from his chest into his stomach. By early afternoon he was overcome by the feeling that nothing was right, or nothing was right for him, and by the desire to be alone. By evening he was fulfilled: alone in the magnitude of his grief, alone in his aimless guilt, alone even in his loneliness. I am not sad, he would repeat to himself over and over, I am not sad. As if he might one day convince himself. Or fool himself. Or convince others--the only thing worse than being sad is for others to know that you are sad. I am not sad. I am not sad. Because his life had unlimited potential for happiness, insofar as it was an empty white room. He would fall asleep with his heart at the foot of his bed, like some domesticated animal that was no part of him at all. And each morning he would wake with it again in the cupboard of his rib cage, having become a little heavier, a little weaker, but still pumping. And by the midafternoon he was again overcome with the desire to be somewhere else, someone else, someone else somewhere else. I am not sad." — Jonathan Safran Foer

Foo state of mind.

Best of you- Foo Fighters

Enough Said.

Will be back soon.

S turns 23 *fireworks*

It was my birthday.. till half an hour back.

I turned 23. It, somehow, does not sound like a nice number to me. It is a tricky age. One is neither here or there. I like the sound of 27. In my mind, I would be a wise-independent-mature woman at 27. Right now, I am just naive and unsure. World is revealing itself to me. I am finding myself, losing myself, regaining myself. And in the process leaving behind ashes.

Recently I read this somewhere..

And forget not that the earth delights to feel your bare feet and the winds long to play with your hair.

- Khalil Gibran

And suddenly I felt my whole life flashed in front of my eyes. It was a weird feeling.

This birthday was weird in a similar way. My birthday happened to fall between the long weekend and I bunked my office. That was a good feeling. The entire prospect of a four-day-long weekend was exciting. But that zest soon fizzled out, as usual. That was not the weird bit.

At 00:00 with a glass of wine in hand, chocolate mousse cake on my lips and a bunch of roses on my lap- what more could I have asked for. That was to be a perfect moment. But it did not feel that way. That was weird. I was in a secluded state of mind. I did not want to be disturbed. I was laughing, rolling all over. At that moment, my world was only that. I did not want to talk to anybody else, other than the people I had with me that time. And through the night, that feeling stayed till the next day. I didn't want to talk to people on my birthday. Messages were a lot more comfortable mode of communication. This was weird. In general terms, I would have called myself sad. It was a brooding mind at work. What better day to introspect than your birthday?

And then it was over. Without any fireworks.

P.S: I am a dreamer. I dream a lot.

???

Lost faith

or lost in faith?

Fit to fight

or fighting to fit in?

Rise to

or just arise?

Give

or give in?

Hope

or hop?

Plead 

or lead?

Lie

or lie low?

To get

or get by?

P.S: I was to write a funny-ish post, but things are going a little dull for the moment. Should be back with a splash of positivity soon. Till then, I ruminate.

New life

Yes. I am writing again. After hundred light years.
And I am good with alibis. But we shall not talk about that today. This is a new beginning. A renaissance of sorts. If you haven't noticed yet, look around- my new template, my new 'about me', the new font :) Boy! Have I missed this place or have I?  I have been procrastinating for too long. But this is it. And everything is just perfect. Bangalore weather is to die for! It has its mystic ways of making me feel good about things around me. Or perhaps, Beatles' Free as a Bird is enhancing the charm of the entire set up. After very long, I am not going to sulk and crib in my post. Life is good. With its bouquets and brickbats. Weekdays are brickbats, weekends are bouquets. And so I write today. Now I understand the whole big deal about the last two days of the week.

So, how goes life my pretty people of Blogville? I have not been able to keep in touch or read your blogs :( but now I promise I would. I am going to start from a clean slate now. And no more looking back, I promise.

This new life of being an independent-working-woman has not begun to suck yet. I am enjoying every bit of it. Pay cheque at the end of the month makes all the ordeals at work, worth it. There are bright days and dark days. But on a breezy weekend evening, like today, I'd only remember the brighter ones. I would consider myself to be self-made.I have made up till here without having a godfather. Alone. And I am going to strive more... to reach that peak where I have set my eyes. In the last two months of working, one thing that I have realised is that no one has your back. You have to stand for yourself. And save your neck. There are certain things you have to take for granted and accept them. Once that is done, you'll have a skin thick enough to survive in the advertising industry.

As was told by one of my teachers in college, on the job there are several things that one would need to unlearn, learn and relearn. And I am doing just that. Unlearning and relearning. Not just work, but also life. This is a new phase and I am unlearning a lot of things. Getting new perspectives. Being a new person. Perhaps, this is what you call growing up. Hey, it's happening!

So until next weekend.. Ta! Be good. Catch you on the other side of the week.

Weird.

It is weird.

I thought I’d be super excited when I get a job.

But somehow I am not.

I am numb.

Even after one week into ‘work’.

The feeling has not sunken in yet.

And this feeling of not feeling anything is not great.

My enthusiasm has faded.

Perhaps I need an ignition.

Is this what I was waiting for? All this while?

I don’t like to talk. I don’t like to write.

It is weird.

P.S: This post comes as an obligation to all the kind readers who have been after me to write something. I owe this post to them.

Obligation? It is weird.

P.P.S: Sometimes I feel I have split personalities. I have two faces- one that jumps around, smiles always, loves being the center of attention, talks non-stop, laughs whole heartedly, battles eyelids, makes faces, scribbles, gets decked up, colour codes things, talks in emoticons, wishes on stars, slurps on ice-creams…

Other one is quiet, keeps to herself, smiles but never laughs, reads, doesn’t talk, listens, observes, thinks, judges, gets organized, stays at peace with things, and is asked hundred and thirty times, “S, why don’t you talk?” and she smiles and says. “Nothing like that.”, while deep inside she wonders- really what’s the matter!

The problem is- the two faces are not in my control. It is involuntary. And that is what makes life so weird.

I am a loser.. NOT!

(though I have got over that feeling, precisely the reason why I am able to write this post now!)

Yea.. so I felt like a loser.. till sometime back. Now after doing random facebook stalking, reading several unrelated blogs, having a belly aching laugh with S over my childhood antics, eating a cream biscuit.. I am back to my normal self again. I am smiling. :)

Coming back to the point- Being a loser. Well.. well.. One placement offer that I had been eying for over a month now, rejected me last night. The offer was great. It wasn't the work profile I wanted, but it was something interesting. And the company was Big. And the money they were offering was also Big. And since the money was big, I thought I could at least pay back my loan and live respectfully without asking for more money from home! It was an opportunity that a sane person wouldn't miss. And so almost the entire class had applied for it :D

I applied too and went through the entire grill of placement process. Right from GD to the final interview, spent 8 hours into it, only to be rejected in the end. If you look at the brighter side, I was at least shortlisted and could experience the process unlike others who tasted defeat right in the beginning. But this doesn't appease the pain. It is just a consolation. What I felt was a complete "Loser" feeling, which honestly I have not felt very often. It is perhaps the only Interview that I have not cracked. It is not to say that I am very brilliant; the thing is I either don't reach the "interview" round :P or if I reach I crack it. :)

The people who cracked the interview and got the offer letter with a handsome sum of annual salary, are not the most intelligent people of the class. In fact the apparent "toppers" of the class actually lost it. Just like me. The people who made it are the "smart" lots. They don't have their noses dipped in books, they don't get the best marks in class, they don't have 90% attendance.. they are the people who enjoy their life, and have committed mistakes, do things that their parents don't know, they live a spontaneous life without planning years ahead of them.

And looking at them, I felt like a loser. I felt like the white swan*.

But I don't feel like a loser anymore because I have realised that it is not really ME. I am not that girl who parties, gets drunk, lives life on the edge. And if I try to become that because the other girl is such, I'd be a bigger loser! I am extremely positive that what is meant for me, will come to me no matter what. And I am happy the way I am right now. Effervescent.

* Have you watched the movie Black Swan? It is one crazy movie. Go check it out! It is AWESOME.